"On most holidays, you'll find me in Mexico. Actually, on most holidays you won't find me. I'm at a beach, and it's wonderful."

“I’m an environmentalist; I recycle.”

“I might not have been a saint, but it’s not like I killed anybody.”

“My state of Arizona is clearly the meth lab of democracy.”

“I’m a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something. Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.”

“Arizona food is the best, and Big Red’s brings the heat.”

“It’s a hot dog, but the bun is two churros. And it’s tied together with a Slim Jim. It’s an Arizona delicacy.”

“There’s no place more deserted than a public library in Arizona.”

“I think there’s this pressure to get rid of the fun that makes us human. It hasn’t worked on me.”

“Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?”